Monday 13 February 2012

The runt of the (breast) litter...

By my calculations I have breastfed Frankie roughly 600 times since her birth. I look back and laugh at the trauma I experienced in those first few weeks, wondering whether she'd latched on correctly, whether she was getting enough, which side she'd fed on last... Nowadays, feeding the Little Miss is every bit as routine as my brushing my teeth.

I must admit that I love breastfeeding. I don't want to echo every hospital pamphlet you receive from the moment you announce your pregnancy, but it truly is fast, free and (for some) easy. But there is a massive side-effect that seems to go unspoken. It's a hush-hush, "mum's-the-word" secret that - brace yourself kids - I'm about to reveal.

In some unlucky souls like myself, your boobs go wonky.

No longer do my lovely breasts enjoy a happy life of identical-twinnage. My left breast has become the runt of the litter, whilst my right breast swells so proudly with rich milk that it's become the Older Sibling Bully.

It was my daughter who gave me this condition. Her and her picky preference for one side over the other. When she decided that my right boob was her vessel of choice, it was "Sayonara Sister" to little old leftie. One breasticle is currently surfing a milky tidal wave, while the other is riding out a drought of epic proportions, doing its desperate tribal rain dance.

I've gone from having pretty 'City Titties' which butt up against each other, to 'Country Titties' which stretch miles apart. If we were to compare my boobs to cities, you'd have the very populous Right "Mumbai" Boob, versus the Left "Timbuktu" Boob.

It's all so unfair! Do not both boobs have equal rights? How has it happened that Rightee is enjoying all priviledges - it's taken top spot in the class-struggle atop my chest.

I can only hope that once the breast feeding stops all balance shall be restored. In the meantime, I shall give my little leftie some much needed affirmations: "Groooow, little one....Groooooow"

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